Cosmic irrelevance

There was always a desire for legacy within me, to never be forgotten. I NEEDED TO LEAVE SOMETHING BEHIND. This had a hold over me for far too long, and coming to terms with it was no easy task. The fact that I will be forgotten the same way I have forgotten dead friends and family. They linger within me, but I'm not often reminded of their existence as it used to be. Time is an astonishing thing, how it heals, how it slowly chips away.

There are endless roads I could take to move forward in life. I have chosen to dull my loud presence, to continue on this path of insignificance. This way there is less pressure to grow out of proportion, more time to focus on things closer to me: family and significant others. I truly believe now that if I focus inherently on these things and make meaning out of everything, see goodness in delays and negative experiences, maintain an easy-going perspective, abide by my religion and its teachings, no matter how insignificant and dull my presence may be, I will shine in the eyes of Allah.

This is going to sound contradictory, as is human nature. There are feelings that linger in me. A part of me still wants at least one person to remember me for the rest of my days, and for the days I am gone from this world. There is that vulnerability I can't shake or move away from, no matter how much insignificance I seek or how much I denounce the want for legacy.

I have refused spectacle for a whole year now. I have been on both ends of the insignificance spectrum: worthlessness and liberation. For the past seven months, I've been tasting what liberation feels like, to feel how small I am and how vast Allah is. Marveling at myself as a creation, how much work was put into me. To have thought. To have fingers that work. Eyes that not only see but perceive things, so perceptive to subtle behavioral changes, learning to pick up on silent cues, constantly growing in intellect. Alhamdulillah for everything. For how I turned out to be and for how I continue to grow. Cherishing everything and everyone around me.

My mom used to say the days are long but the years are short when I was growing up. I feel that now. There never really is time to slow down and catch a breath.

Shifts in life occur bi-weekly. There is nothing like being needed and wanted as a man, the constant pursuit to feel worthy, to give meaning, the journey of providence. I have been writing these blogs for five years. I have barely scratched the human psyche, my psyche. I have been constantly trying to be better as a person and an individual. Assessing myself, the wrongs I carry, and I have fully made amends with everyone. Even myself.

There is no internal struggle anymore. I have enough grace to forgive myself for the mistakes I have made and the mistakes others made that I was led to think were mine. My empathy doesn't kill me anymore. Somehow it grew walls and healthy boundaries.

There is change. I have become a finer man than I used to be. I wish I could praise myself more. I have been incorporating more action into my life now and less words. People need to see me do things, and I need to see myself do things. And when I fail, I have enough grace to accept the guilt, learn from it, and break the patterns I carry.

I live one life. I am grateful for every minute I get, and if I choose to spend it with someone or something, my acts carry great significance. No time is wasted. And rest is not wasting time. Catching up on sleep, eating healthy, walking at least 10,000 steps per day. Everything used to be so overwhelming. Now it is not so much.

I have had the fear of not aging with grace. I have always wanted it more than anything. I look younger now than I did two years ago. I dress better, eat better, have better habits, and I earn way more than I did. Money changes things, man. Money changes you. This is a lesson in itself: build the skills you require. Do not rely on AI. Build yourself toward good brain health and good neuroplasticity, meaning be big-brained enough so you can continue to adapt to anything and everything.

Smile at people. Speak to strangers. Give out kindness from a place of strength, not niceness because you are weak. Do not expect people to do things for you, even if they are obligated to. Have good intentions and low expectations. And above all else, pray. Salah on time, in the masjid with the imam. Once that is right, everything will fall into place. Make your adhkars. Constant istighfar. Fast on Mondays, Thursdays, and the white days. Wake up thirty minutes before Fajr and start praying tahajjud. There is so much forgiveness we need to ask Allah for, and so much we need to be grateful to thank Allah for. A small deed that is consistently done is more beloved to Allah because of its frequency of remembrance.

You do this, then life becomes okay with being insignificant.

Still fighting for wanting to be remembered by one person, though. So I give myself the grace to feel it all the way.

knyx