Conquering my divine solitude

Trigger Warning: Suicidal Thoughts, Anxiety, Depression

Never in my life had I thought how loud silence could be, how fragile my ego is, how heavy the jabs were on my barren soul and how the most toxic person/thing in my life was my thoughts. Entrapping every good memory, locking it in, not only did I forget the essence of my Being but also the essence of joy. I'd ask myself "how long has been since I had truly been at peace" because for some reason, I've always valued peace more than happiness. Happiness is a hoax, it doesn't truly last no matter what you do. I could be sitting with a buncha people and suddenly, a wave of existential angst would drown me, for a mere a split second, and after that there is no turning back to the perfect day I had. It's ruined. And who's fault is that? Mine.

So what happens next, is that the chaos within myself, starts feasting on my soul, telling myself "there's no one around" "no one willing to help" "you're nothing but a burden" "maybe the world would be a better place if you didn't exist". And for a period of time I did think that the world would be a better place without me, because I really felt like the glorious purpose that was bestowed upon me was to inflict pain and suffering on myself and on the ones that I loved and on "Strangers". Whereas what I hadn't realized is that, we'll always hurt people and people will always hurt us. We just need to choose. To risk it all, for the ones that are really worth it, the ones who stick through it. Doesn't mean you stick through abuse and toxic relationships. More like willing to give in, being open to understanding as to why they hurt you and why they acted the way they did. Some people are sadists and straight up assholes. I can vouch for that. Apparently.

The abyss starts to eat whatever that's left of me, when for some reason, I start to push everyone away, maybe that is one way to get through and over solitude, it's different for everyone, some are willing to talk about it and some don't. Respect that. After living a whole life surrounded by people and never truly knowing what solitude is, what loneliness really felt like, how terrifying it is to fall asleep thinking that I might actually die, how some part myself wishes that it'd be better. And the constant constant grief, the weight of my own thoughts, weighing on my chest, the racing of my heart, the eternal calamity, the way that the excruciating pain of loneliness feels so physical as if, my heart would burst. And still, I'd have no idea how to get out of this, crying myself to sleep, keeping it all in, and how do I seek help when I don't even know what the issue is.

So for various reasons, I kept it to myself, maybe because I didn't want to talk about or maybe just that I didn't want to be treated like a broken person, so fragile, that I'd break. I mean I would. Doesn't mean I'd want any special treatment. What most of us fail to understand through the whole journey of divine solitude, we somehow forget that we aren't truly alone. No matter how clouded my thoughts were, I am glad that I never did let go of God. The essence of the highest most power. How much God loves me, how wait how do I say it, how, how abundant his mercy is, because without my faith I do not know what I'd be. So it took me time, and I started to place everything, all my worries, all my sorrow, all the accumulated pain, and each day it was better than the day before, it kept getting better and better, not right away but little by little, and I hadn't realized it. I remembered this beautiful saying from the Holy Prophet (SAW) said, 'When God loves a slave in my community, He casts love of him into the hearts of His friends, the spirits of the angels and the keepers of His throne, so that they love him.’ So seeking the pleasure of God, obeying his will and trying to constantly constantly to do good and be good no matter how much I fumble and no matter how much I fall, and even if there weren't people to catch me I knew God would. If I mess up, I'd start over and over and over until I begin to love myself, the ugliest parts, and to forgive myself. By telling myself if God could forgive me, who am I not to forgive myself. So I stopped worrying about about the future, and somehow my anxiety decreased at a very high pace, I hadn't had any anxiety attacks that would last for hours. And little by little I learn to let go of everything that weighed me down, with nothing but hope. I haven't reached there yet, it has been nine months already since this whole journey of "healing" had begun. And whenever something is about to go south, I'd remember the words of God; "Fear not. Indeed, I am with you both; I hear and I see" 20:46.

Yeah it's 3 in the afternoon I've not had breakfast and lunch yet. I wanna establish the fact that I am hungry. And it is easier to write on an empty stomach. With the final paragraph I think I'll end this feature. 

So I told myself, I would get through this. And one main point that it took me time to realize is that, somehow grief is necessary, to realize what it actually is like to maintain bonds, to not lose the ones that you love and the ones truly love you. Everyone is really busy with their lives, and when you put your heart out, to truly and sincerely with the intention of wanting to be better and to face it head on. Life starts shifting your way. The pain would be still there, the solitude too but you know that you aren't alone and you are needed and loved. The fact that loneliness covers, and drowns every good thing in life is just sad, I wish I could use a better word to define but "just sad" would do for now. But I can promise you that life truly gets better when you start projecting the goodness into the universe, the universe returns it back. It doesn't happen right away, it takes time, slowly but surely you will get there.

 

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