My mind is the prison I can't break free from

Embarking on this selfless journey in the pursuit to feel something I've never felt, something so obscure to even dream about, something that millions before me have fought and died for, something that no man has truly had. We're all bound by it, if our arms and legs were shackled to iron gates we would try to be break free, but what about when our mind is chained down? What would we do then?

If it was as easy as is playing a thousand scenarios in my head on repeat every night wondering if I'll ever truly fall asleep. Peacefully. If only the things meant more to me when I was 8 mean anything to me now. If only the endless loops of agonizing atrocities would stop. If only I could ever stop punishing myself for people leaving. The pain inflicted on my mind is way worse than any caused by a physical wound. 

I wish there was a better way rather than falling into this abyss of my own thoughts, getting lost in the space time continuum for a million years would be better compared to dealing with my own emotions. I guess I could never truly be free from all this, hating people was easier compared to how much I hated myself, it was truly nothing. Rotting away locked up in my own head, refused help when it was offered, letting my insecurities best me. 

I mean I get how easy it is to fall in love with someone you've just met but never really is as easy compared to loving someone who's been with you you're whole life. It's tiring and exhausting and draining how you love your body in the morning feel disgusted by it at the end of the day. How you push everyone away assuming they were around to take the lil bit of peace left behind and just want to fall onto a loved ones shoulders past midnight. Loneliness and being alone have been two parallel things that were never really the same.I wanted to deal with it myself, this was my journey. I had to see it through. 

For someone as thoughtless as I was I've sure as hell given a lot of thought about almost everything in life, paying attention and listening to what goes on around me in weird not so stalker way. How one smiles when they are happy and how one pretends when they aren't. How they say "It's fine I'm gonna be okay" even though they clearly aren't going to be. I know this how? Because I see myself in them, I do the same absurdly disgusting routine of  "It's fine I am gonna be okay". It sucks how we're used to "It is what is it is" and not dealing with our emotions. How we think we're going to keep them buried deep down, these bruises that we leave, untouched, bare in the open, these aren't dead people to not come to life. These are our human emotions that hold so much value, because it is ours, it means something, it isn't insignificant and so aren't you. I LOVE YOU for making this far I know that its been hell on Earth. No one could have even remotely survived half of what you've been through.

The worst part about never truly being free is the guilt that kicks in when you fail to satisfy or make someone happy. Failing to be the good person you always were takes a huge toll on you and it isn't easy to get back into your regular mood after that, your regular self being a less depressed person. Clearly what's messed up is running to help others at your own expense. Would anyone possibly do the same for you? If they do? Cherish them. 

I know that this pursuit to freedom of the mind is never ending, I mean hell even if I were to search end the of the oceans I could never really be free from the clutches of societal pressure, peer pressure and whatever the fuck you're family puts on you because that shit is just weird and they expecting too much. I know that it's all way too much for a broken teenager to deal with, but you just look forward to getting through the day, through the week, through the month, throughout the years and throughout life.

The hardest thing in life is the easiest thing anyone could say to you "LOVE YOURSELF".

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The rest will be continued on my next feature: " THE SUB-HUMAN VOID INSIDE OF ME"

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