Selling my soul just to get by

Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault, Sexual Abuse and Harassment, Rape.

"After every encounter, breathing became so intoxicating, my body didn't scream for help anymore, in fact I stopped feeling anything at all. After every encounter somehow subconsciously my body kept numbing itself. It was as if I was looking at myself from afar being ripped apart, being invaded by these aliens. Violated. I cannot help but think that this is the end, if only my parents knew they would ask why I was there in the first place, society would ask me what I was wearing, men would probably say that I was asking for it."

"This helplessness, this inability to speak about being violated day in and day out, not having the luxury to stay peaceful, be peaceful, what even is peace anymore. The wrath of these vile creatures, the ones that have set out to hunt, this never ending lust, this endless thirst for blood. No matter the age, no matter the gender, no matter the faith that one has truly doesn't matter anymore. I mean heck boy? girl? man? woman? child? infants? teenagers? pre-pubescents? middle-age? old? very old? frail? dogs? goats? sheep? horses?  I mean where does it end."

To force yourself onto someone and to force someone on to you. I mean does it really have to be "Oh she's someone's sister" "Holy shit that's someones brother/son"? Is she not a person? Is he not a person? Does it have to be someone related to a person? or are they not people themselves?

The idea of "shame", the taint on the names of the families' of the victim, the toxic culture that is prepared to disown a child because they were assaulted, but not to comfort and provide them with a sense of security. The same society that treats scum as if they have fallen off of the skies, the same laws that are meant to protect its citizens charging them assault, battery or sometimes, up to second degree or even first degree murder for merely defending themselves. Where do you go to when one violates you and nobody wants you anymore?

I am just so exhausted and angry and my blood boils so much it just feels like my heads going to explode. Why is it so hard for a person to be safe anymore? From the moment I leave these four walls to work. The chills that run down my spine, the constant thought at the back of my head, keep telling myself not to fuck up, because honestly it doesn't even have to be a fuck up anymore. The moment I set foot on that bus or that train or that taxi. All I pray is that I get to work in one piece. But that it's not that easy is it? You get a bus and there's always that guy who doesn't give two fucks if you're a guy or girl, motherfucker just wants keep rubbing it in until you get to where to need to go, or until he gets to where he needs to come. So this, the idea might be, "oh you were standing?" 

Another scenario, you sit in the corner seat, window seat, a then the guy next to falls asleep, the somehow his hands keep falling onto your thighs or his shoulder would be rubbing off on the side of your tits. Middle seat now, two guys sandwich you, you thought the window seat was worse, but boy you are in for a trip. The next is the corner seat where the passengers stand, and now the lustful lifeforms just want some action doesn't matter its a shoulder, elbow or even your face depending on the height.  The typical response would now be "why don't you take a fucking tuk or an uber? ".

We don't even have to be addressing all forms of travel, all classes of people, all sorts of dress codes and all sorts of people because I truly know that there's no end to this. You get in a bus, you get sexually assaulted, a train it's the same too, a tuk? and you see over and driver would be masturbating looking at you on the rear mirror while staring at you, with no regard to his life, or his passengers', I mean all he needs is less than a minute to jerk off to a woman in a fucking Niqab (Attire that Muslim women wear, that covers the face and nothing is visible but the eyes). So you can't head to work on a bus, train or a tuk anymore.

Then let's get down to get your family driver of 20 years to drive you to work and then for the headlines to be " 25 y/o raped and burnt to crisp by the family driver of 20 years" and then you take it upon yourself and drive by yourself and " Mother of two raped in front of her own kids while having her car breakdown and requesting for assistance". You ride a bike and they puncture it and offer assistance and then rape you. I mean to avoid all of this and get to work safely. Then the vultures surround you there "Co-workers' drugged Female Exec raped her and hung her in her own office". 

One last incident before getting to the end of the feature, this was about a survivor of a gang rape, a girl who happened to escape a near death, the point is she survived, her family was supportive, they got all the help she needed, but the thing that kept bothering her the most was, she mentioned it in a note

"When the first guy penetrated me, I kinda liked it for a mere split second before it all went south. So I am disgusted by myself for feeling that I liked it even for split second, just for my life to be ruined after minutes later. I don't think I could carry on further, I can't even stand the presence of people anymore, I can't stand the presence of my own father, every time his hands touch my head or my my shoulders all I remember is me being violated three years ago. I keep living in those moments back to back. I don't think I could ever escape it, escape myself, escape the disgust. I wish they had killed me off right after they raped me. I am but a mere corpse that is alive right now, I am not the daughter I was once was nor the friend or the sister. I died three years ago, this here right now is nothing but pain, trauma and the never ending nightmares. I guess this is it. I am sorry and I love you, I just want the pain to stop. Love Rita."

So you don't go out, you don't work, you stay home, to enjoy the presence of yourself within those four walls that you call "home". Then for you to be violated by a friend of your husband's, your plumber, delivery guy, the guy who comes to rob you but thinks to himself "Robbing her house isn't enough, let me just rob her soul too".

Tokioshi, Violated Cause