The sub-human void inside of me

Wandering down this dark alley, this path that I, myself forged whereas that I don't even recall it. As I move forth hoping that I'm not at the brink of my extinction, I am beyond making amends, somehow I've move past the need to do so. Still paving my way forward with not a shred of hope, how did I get here? What was it that really had the vigor to push me over into the abyss? 

As for the pinnacle of hope I was striving to be, I was knocked off my pedestal, this coup de tat within myself. I've lost. Started seeking ways to keep my journey here short, but demise was not the answer. I wish that an individual would break into my house, kick my door down, split my chest open using a couple of battle-axes peak into the depth of my dark soul and witness what's really going on in there. Because I do not know. 

How do I speak of this darkness that overwhelms me in every turn I make in my life if I don't even know what it really is? How to do I ask for the assistance of my peers when I myself don't recognize why I would even require it in the first place? This immense weight of helplessness, this ponderosity to achieve martyrdom, this constant thought of the need to let go because it's just not worth it to hold on to this "temporary hope" anymore. 

This never ending battle within me, how the darkest of my thoughts want to consume my soul. How feeble I felt after long day of battling myself, I had to go to war with others'. Slay my demons and the demons of the ones that I thought I "loved". But the thing is that this darkness that overwhelmed me forced myself to shoulder burdens I never that I could. 

Okay now since the literary introduction is outta the way, I guess umm this is the time to get personal. Since I don't think I will be doing anymore emotional features. Maybe or maybe not. Who's to say? Eh? This is going to be a trip. I am going to pivot so hard the first part of the blog wouldn't even matter when we reach the end.

Growing up, the way I did, I've always wanted to fit in, the thing about fitting in is man you really gotta distinguish yourself from the crowd to be accepted. I mean why would anyone even bother to even waste a second of their not so valuable motherflipping time to even consider to even accept me. So I didn't stop you know I just wanted people to be around me, I wanted to be an enigma, which I clearly am now. However I wasn't one, years ago. I kept pretending to be something I clearly wasn't and I got bullied for years on end. Come on man what the  blip I was a frickin kid who needed a crowd to run with. Being a middle class child and seeing the rich folks at school do shit they way they did and buy the stuff that they had, wear the shoes they wanted. I mean my family was well off, and we were comfortable but you know how shit is you don't incur extra expenses along the way. 

I mean I was an average kid, Sports? Average. Athletics? Average. Studies well I wouldn't say I am average I was smart asf and I mean its systematic slavery and we're just forced to learn shit so who gives a shit.What else wasn't actually average was that I had an exceptional mouth and really a way around words.I mean people thought I was a "Pathological Liar" well to be honest I considered myself to be an amazing badass "Storyteller". Even amidst all the bullying and trying to fit in, I never got myself to stop being happy. I would smile like flipping a dork, I used to smile and laugh so much squinting my eyes. I mean I don't really why I ever squint when I smile but hey the more the merrier. I think my depressing life story just to took a happier turn. 

I seriously have no idea where I'm taking ya'll with this. Because my thoughts are all over the place, I mean what did you think that it would feel like listening a hormonal young adult. If that's even a thing.

See my point is even though I was an average person I kept trying, but the trying finally stopped after a long time. I guess it was when I found my people, for someone who pretended to be something they weren't their whole lives. When I was with them the only thing I knew was to be myself. It wasn't even some dorky ass version, how do I put it? I was at my peak fiction. When I tell you I was happy man honestly I swear to God, I can't even compare to say how good life was. And then along the way I met more of the boys and honestly all  these fudgers do is make me so mad, I mean who in the blip doesn't pick up their phones even after 10 missed calls, calling their home telephone, their dad's phone, mom's cell, siblings? I am just venting at this point.

See my point is the fitting in and acceptance issues finally came to an end when I found someone who liked me for who I was, it has been almost 7 years now. Not a day goes where I stopped being myself. I stopped needing the things that the rich kids had, I stopped wanting to be part of a crowd. I mean people are way too much these days to deal with, these weird ass life forms suck the living shit out of you and the worst part is they go there separate ways, while I am stuck at square one tryna get my shit together. 

See the level of peace you acquire by accepting yourself and loving yourself, loving the people around you, not everyone requires your love and attention which is quite debatable, but you get the gist dontcha?

I am gonna say it again, all it took was one person to close the sub-human void inside of me. Just like that all it takes is one person to fill a void, help a brother out. I know it's kinda sexist but "help a brother out" really has a ring to it. Okay fine, help a sister out too. Happy now?

Final thought I gotta squeeze this one somehow I don't know where to really put it, it just came to me so yeah.

I know that it's not an easy life, this shits hard man, that's what she said. There are days where I don't even know what to do it's as if I am having an out of body experience where I don't even have control over my actions, how I react to it, how I react to people. I mean after all no matter how much shit one goes through it is your shit, own it, stay with it, live through it, outlive it. I've seen people man like just because they go through shit doesn't mean they have the right, to treat people who are there for you like shit. My mom would say "You don't bite the hand that feeds you" and I mean holy shit that made so much sense. We're all broken in one way or another, and hey we're alive and at the end of the day there's still hope. I feel so emotional right now, God. I love you my readers, may you have lesser bellies and more booties. <3 

   

Melissa Bolton, Narcissism Recovery.

                                    

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So I don't know if this piece was up to your expectations, but honestly I was so bored I didn't even wanna compile the pieces together and this is a whole new piece and I mean idk my thoughts were all over the place. Thanks to a certain someone who goes by Dewni De Silva for basically forcing me so that I could complete the feature. 

Also shout to Dewni De Silva my bud,  https://triggerednotions.blogspot.com/ do not forget to check her work I mean after all she's a pro when it comes down to penning down stuff.

One more person my new colleague Rumaya Wickremesignhe,

https://rumayawickremasinghe.blogspot.com/  check out her amazing work too.

And not in my dreams I thought I'd be writing blogs someday.