Aloneness? Maybe.

For the past 22 years of my life all I ever did was run, I kept running forward, well more like marching forward; eyes on the price, with nothing but bones in my closet- scars and unhealed wounds on my back. I never really felt it to be honest. Nothing really weighed me down, the more time went by, the better it was it to ignore. And when the distress is ignored long enough, putting up with the whole "I wanna heal and be better", the whole notion becomes a pipe dream. So as far as I could possibly remember, I never dealt with anything really, didn't wanna confront any of my demons? I never really understood why people tend it call it "demons" but in truth it was myself all along. I was the demon that I needed to defeat to be better, to heal. And my oh my did I think that loving oneself was the something that is easier, maybe it is. I am not really sure. I tend to have my doubts when it comes to "loving myself".

For a long long time, I did love myself not in the ways one would think, but it was love then turned into obsession then finally hit peak, had to wear the whole "narcissistic gown". Felt really weird to type "gown". Bring back toxic masculinity lmao. The thing no one really tells you when it comes to the whole self love is, you got to feed yourself the right amount. The excess amount tends to really cost you a lot. The cost. People. Pain. Obliviousness. Guilt. I have been one to always express what I've felt but right now I just feel like I am having a tough time trying to get the word through. It feels as if I am not thorough enough. The excess amount of love that I fed myself every single day without miss. I promise you I never missed. I always told myself, "I do not need anyone" "All I need is myself" "People can flip off". Mind you I did not say "flip" inserts *wink*. The thing is the more I focused I was on myself the more I lost count of the surrounding, I lost count of everything I held dear. I mean I lost the ability to feel emotion. I hadn't cried in a really really long time. Years maybe. Not once. Which now that I think about it pretty unhealthy I don't know, but crying is super healthy I can give you that, also not a professional opinion it is just what I think. I mean, isn't what we feel considered "facts" these days?

Not only did I lose the ability to cry, somewhere along the way, I picked up a few things. I was inconsiderate, I lacked empathy, I never really respected anyone, I was so focused on myself I didn't even stop to think for a damn second how the person would actually feel about things, I lost perspective too. Also the disrespect was reciprocated towards adults. In simple terms I didn't take shit from anyone and I had finally turned into full on asshole; I do not want to leave any details out. I just want to take my time, pour it all in. Even when I talk about it, I don't feel like it was wrong. But it is. Not feeling that it was wrong was one of the major issues I had to deal with. In my head I was always right for a very long period of time, I really want to say  "I was always right" so badly right now. I will not. I am going to leave it out.

All in all I lost my humility--to be humble, to be kind, to give love, to not expect, to be warm, to be a sanctuary, to please God. I was so lost, my head in the clouds, armored myself with a sense of superiority and a heart of steel, steel sounds so formidable but no it was that it wasn't soft anymore. It had overworked, it lost its purpose, because loving myself alone felt enough. It really did. But I was 6 feet deep in my own world, in my own head. When I finally hurt a stranger. It was bad. It was verbal abuse. I wanna excuse myself by admitting that I have a foul mouth. It was more than that I suppose. I never really understood how I grew to be so full of love for myself and hate for everyone else. I mean "people" in general. 

This time I had crossed all boundaries, all limits, over the fence straight into the heart of the stranger. Stab. It was three words. Just three words. That made a stranger cry. I didn't even know that they did cry, not until a month after. The worst part is that they don't even hurt you back they just forgive you and move on with their lives. And you're still an asshole hurting people; unprovoked. Highlight of my life. The same three words that hurt a stranger were the same three words that put my life and set it straight. It is not straight. Yet. But you do get the gist dontcha. Man, guilt really is one of the most humbling things ever, this double edged sword just changes your whole perspective on just about everything.

What I am trying to say is, loving yourself is important, yes. But loving yourself the right way is just as important, I have grown to realize that I don't think I need it in excess amounts any further. And as I mentioned earlier about unhealed wounds and the burden on my soul. I have decided to heal. I have been for the past nine months to be exact. It took me nine long months to even talk about this. It has not been easy, extreme depression and crippling anxiety is no joke. You just cry for hours and you don't even know why. It's all in your head. For someone who has had their head up their ass the whole time. It really is refreshing to see the world in a whole new perspective. 

Unlearning habits, shedding the skin, the whole whole skin that I wore my whole life, and then bringing down the walls and start rebuilding from brick one. Taking baby steps. Learning to love myself and trying to do good just good nothing but good and be a good person. Is something that I strive for. A distant dream, a distant reality, what matters is that I get there. In my own slow pace.

And shit the whole point of this blog was to talk about loneliness and healing. I've honestly no idea how this whole thing turned into a vent. My ADHD ass really needs to focus. I should stop taking these mega detours. I guess it really did bother me for a long time. I wanna continue but I think I am gonna have my dinner after posting this. I don't really get the whole idea behind why I decided to write this whole blog; and my vocabulary is shit these days because I don't get in much reading. Since I got this out of my system I really hope to write more about what I feel. What it is to be an asshole. I don't even know if anyone could relate to this. I have a lot on my mind right now. I guess I'll add more things in the next blog. Finally I AM SORRY STRANGER and THANK YOU.

Carrying the guilt of a sin is worse than the sin itself. I don't even know if I even sounded apologetic. I don't know what I feel besides being so unstable I guess. 

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I haven't written anything in since December 2020, this my first time since then. My drafts are still packed with unfinished material, I think its going to stay that way for a long time maybe. Maybe it is time to let go. Move onto new things. Some of the things in life are beyond salvation. Yeah I am still hungry. I hope you have an amazing day and an amazing, peaceful, lovely, not so lonely life. Good night.//

 

 

Bloody Halloween; Scarecrows- Robert Pelochi