The fragility of my ego

Bonds. Bonds, nothing but bonds. To be honest I don't even know what to talk about, I just jumped onto the first thing that came to my head. Writing really feels so nice. Nice isn't the word but "nice" feels so warm, like warm hug after a whole day of crying alone, "nice" feels like a real tea made using Anchor not the fake ass Rathi and Nespray ones, NO HATE bruv. Just stating facts here.

As a generation right now, I don't know how we ended up here, but man, honestly, confrontation sucks, I'd rather cut you off than actually, talk it out-deal with it and sort the whole issue and be on my merry little way. I'd rather sit in my room all day long, make shit up in my head, victimize myself than actually confront you and talk to you about it. I don't do that, I like confrontation and hurting myself, but for sake of the argument let's just move forward with it. Because confrontation sucks.

I don't know if I should make this personal or not. Maybe yes. 

For someone that has a lot attachment issues, boy do I get super attached to people way too fast. I'd offer you abundant love, even when you don't want it. Because why, I don't know does anyone really need a reason to give love. Maybe I just want to pretend to be good? Yeah that is my imposter syndrome speaking. For starters, let's establish the fact we love people who don't love us back. And even when they do, they could never love me the way I do them. Now this a deeply rooted acceptance and appreciation issue, sometimes maybe they love, but never really say it, but the actions prove that they do in fact love me. Once again, it is easier to give someone so much love when they don't  reciprocate it, because in my head I believe the more I give, somehow I'd get it back, I don't want it tenfold, maybe ten percent. But when it is not returned, I keep giving more and more and more. It doesn't just end. And the failure to the realization of the whole thing is that, they never wanted my love to begin with. That is okay. People can say no, it is just not what they want, guilt tripping them is also a form of manipulation. So the only choice is to let go, and letting go isn't that easy, so I just start to give less and less and less maybe somehow get used to it. But now, the whole dilemma is that I'd feel guilty, its all in my head, because I think that if I didn't give enough the person would actually leave me, I don't want that. I really don't. But it's all in my head, and confronting and talking about it would solve it, but hey confrontation sucks.

So, when confronted, the whole issue could be solved and communication really sucks, but it is just so temporary. Not the eternal slumber, the hellhole, the agonizing encapsulation, I am just throwing in whatever word comes into my head. So when to talk to the person, in said situation, you either decide to change, or they do, and if either of you don't and maybe can't come to a conclusion, you try to work it out and compromise, and even then, trust me it is not easy, the final, the final stage is to let go, if this whole relationship is toxic and a mind "flip". It's not flip but you know what it is. Bonds are meant to be broken, but also bonds are meant to be fixed and mended and taped and somehow held together by both parties since, it feels nice. Really nice.

Second part, what does it mean to forgive, what does it mean to let go of any grudge, what does it really really mean to understand people, as to what they did from their perspective? I am letting it all out, if anyone who doesn't know me personally think that I am an asshole, trust me, I don't know either. I don't know if I should talk about this but meh. So, as far as when it came to mistakes and forgiveness, I felt  like I never gave it a second thought, never a second chance, I'd give up easily, cut it off, the whole bond meant nothing, spoiling a movie and breaking my heart somehow stood on the same level. I don't really understand it myself either, I really don't. But when people made mistakes, and I never gave it a second thought, it felt so easy, to cut off a bond, it felt so easy to ignore and air and ghost, to never really talk about it. The essence of it was something else. Whoever said, "ignorance is bliss". That was some dope shit. 

Now let's move onto life fast forward, but how the turntables. Yes an Office reference. To truly understand the whole the retrospect of the accumulated incidents, at this moment I was on the receiving end, I had messed up so bad. That it was beyond redemption, I could not save this relationship even if I sold my dehydrated unhealthy kidney. There was no way. For someone who despised second chances I really needed one, I sure did. I was so embarrassed to even ask for a second chance, I was truly at the end of it all, because why would anyone who never gave a second chance, want one, what purpose? And now my whole "perfect" traumatic world came crumbling down, I never meant to hurt anyone, and I did. No excuse, can save this relationship, no excuse can save my soul, because I knew the guilt would destroy me, it did, not the point. As the events unfolded after hours and days of communication. I was forgiven, given a second chance, to not mess up. To be better, to grow and become strong, to understand, to love, to prosper. And yeah, I messed up again, it was all my fault, I was so done, but I was given a chance again, forgiven. For someone who never believed in second chances boy am I so good at messing up. 

The whole narrative is that, the person who gave me all those chances tried to communicate and understand why I did, what I did, it was all so new to me, this whole experience, of what was happening. And to top it off. It felt so nice. It really did. 

See the thing is forgiving isn't beneath a person, forgiving people is for ourselves, to save our soul from rotting away, letting go of shit has never felt so good, understanding people has never felt so good. Learning to love myself has never felt so good. Arguing and forgiving and making up with each other and compromising has never felt so good. Loving and being loved has never felt so good. It has been a long tiring life, exhausting really, I keep learning things from people I never thought I would even talk to, has never ever felt so good. Relearning to live life. Relearning new habits. Relearning to speak in a soft calming manner, to love kids, to love old people, to love the how loud solitude can be, to love half a loaf of bread with pol sambal. To love the sound of water dripping from the sink tap. To love and accept people regardless of the "baggage" they carry. To accept myself regardless of what "baggage" I carry. And to learn to ignore people who have no idea how to use twitter, because why not. It sure has been a good life. It is nice. It really has been.

It is one in the morning and I forgot to close my window and switch on the vaporizer, so yeah mosquitoes have invaded my room and my personal space. So I am ending this feature. It has been two days and three blogs. I might post this later, God!!, I hate mosquitoes.

One last thing, in my personal opinion and based on true events. I have a way better and strong bond, with the people that I fought and made up with, because we got through it. Together. The relationship meant more than the problem ever did, to bring back a famous Instagram quote, "It is not me vs. you, it is us vs. the problem". Cringe. I know. But in the end it is nice. It really is.

Shattered Self-Wanda Ruben