Discomfort. A dead end?

The infinitely abundant atrocities of my bedridden life, that it is now. Keeps screaming, obscure emotions to be exact, as to why I should always be present. Being available. Not being available for myself but for people to be exact. Availability as premature as it sounds, is something that is so, I would like to use the word "devastating" because that it is actually how I feel. Because of this horrific 6 inch cuboid? That is always by my side. Decides when I am available, being so easy for anyone to reach at any time of the day, being left high and drained. So let's get into this.

Being available. Sounds bizarrely kind? Not kind. Warm. As warm as it sounds, it's not. Not by a long shot. People don't truly value peace, when they have never known what war really is. Same goes when you're so available for people to reach you, to be there, to be the saint, the savior. There's nothing wrong with that, not at all. Being there for people is a very noble thing I might add, that sounded sarcastic in my head, sigh. When you keep being there for everyone at your own expense, how are you going to be there for yourself. Exhausted, drained, sleepy, self-loathing and the cost that is the drain in your social juice, it's going to take time to recuperate, get back into society. Which is quite amusing, because there is no recuperation, no healing and your glass will always remain half full, it gets so bad, you can't sit by yourself and you can't even socialize anymore. In truth, you hate people. People are loud, obnoxious, scavengers, evil and selfish--whereas people can also be full of life, full of love and bliss. 

To be able to receive the proper love, you need to be your proper self. The imposter syndrome really kicks in when you at your low, when someone you love so much, shows a bit of kindness, you think to yourself, "do I really deserve all this?". Yes mf you do. Now shut up and listen to me. You know what you need, you need to pay yourself the same love and attention that you pay the people around you. And you deserve every bit of love and attention and purity and rain and sunshine and every blessing thrown your way. And for that you need to take a break. One is never enough. Constant constant breaks until you are put back on your feet, to receive the actual love you deserve. To feel enough. To finally feel enough. To feel like you aren't overdoing it anymore. To feel what everyone feels when you are there for them. To feel safe. To feel fragile and to finally trust yourself because you aren't going to break anymore. So I want you to stop being the savior, I don't want you to save yourself right away, but all I ask is that, you do rest. Breathe yourself into existence, be present, for yourself. If you can't save yourself, how are you going to save everyone else. In all honesty the truth is, this world is too loud for you, too wild, you deserve to listen to the song of the moon and stars every night, deserve to be touched by the calmest seas and its waves, deserved to be embraced with one of my favorite feelings, that I have never truly felt, but very frequently remind myself, is I that I envision myself sitting in a cold town, not too cold but cold, in a bakery that only sells cupcakes, the warmth of the oven bristling my skin, the warm creamy cupcakes melting in my mouth, the sweetness, the pleasantness of it all, that it was made just for me, you deserve to feel that.

For one to get ahead of things, to be sure, I actually think that is going to make some of you uncomfortable. But after the blog being named "Discomfort", I think I really should get into this. Some of us are prone to pushing people away, relying on one person alone, and what we feel is, this one person is enough, "hey you are the only person I talk to" "I don't have anyone else". Man I really need a minute because I am actually laughing, I find this so funny. I know some of ya'll do too. In retrospect, as the analysis before the final conclusion. We're all so selfish, we just want that one person to be there for us all the time, the whole entirety of our day constantly texting and calling, to not feel alone, so for the ones that want to be saved, what do you plan to do for your savior. I know for a fact, that most of us, for instance would text someone, they would be online and you get no reply back, but they would be tweeting, posting stories and sharing content online. Trust me it used to hurt me and break my heart so much too. I actually think, well my anxiety does, "what if I did something wrong" "maybe they hate me" "maybe they don't want to talk to me anymore", but in the end they were having a bad day at work/uni and they really didn't want to talk to anyone. But what you do is double, triple, quadruple text to see if they actually hate you, I understand that how bad your anxiety gets, but you also need to stop and think and tell yourself, maybe they're having a bad day, you feel like you owe it to them, to save them because they saved you. And sometimes they don't want to be saved, they can save themselves, but they need to be left alone.

And now maybe you might think to yourself, "they could've let me know that they were actually busy". Well no shit. Did you ever explain to people, who you pushed away, avoided, ghosted and aired that why you did--what you did. You know damn well, you don't owe anyone any explanation, and look at you, expecting one now. The irony is absurd. No one really owes you anything, I know that you feel entitled at times, but no people don't owe you anything, just like how you don't owe people anything. Goes both ways. In reality people still choose to stay, to give you love, to keep you warm throughout the night, so that tonight you don't have to be alone until you fall asleep, the support they give you when you lack behind--fail at things, they choose to stay and walk with you to the end. How they sing for you when you can't hear yourself, when you keep drowning into the darkest parts of your mind. Throwing their hands in for you to hold onto, for you to be saved, so please save your savior. I know how bad it sucks to keep living in your head, to think you are truly alone, waiting to be saved, saving ourselves is hard, but never impossible, and as much as it sucks, it is okay to trust and rely on ourselves for once, because that discomfort is no dead end, it is the gateway to everything that you have been waiting for.

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An announcement, Najaha Nauf, the author of Slow Dancing With the Stars, has released her second edition of the book after a year of its debut. So until the 15th of October, 2021, the book will have a 20% discount, and a portion of the proceeds from the books goes to NIMH foundation, which is the National Institute of Mental Health. By purchasing this book, one, you'll be directly donating to the institution, secondly you will be helping broaden the future of a local author, thirdly let's keep empowering our women. 

You can reach her on instagram @najaha.nauf and place your orders.

One more final final note, I remember reading her blogs a couple of weeks ago, she's just so perfect as a writer, I have never cried so much after reading something so personal. And having the ability to put what you feel, what you went through into writing and rereading it and living it all over again is never easy for someone weak, so as strong as she is, I am very confident in her writing as well. I have placed my order for the book, and its 800 LKR I am so excited and I can't wait. I hope ya'll reach out to her and place your orders as soon as possible. Please buy the book and read it. Thank you.

Here's the link to her blogposts: https://njhwrites.blogspot.com/ .

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If you are new here, there's a whole set of 7-8 blogs, you could check them out by tapping or clicking onto, "more posts" at end of home page. Thank you.

 

Isolation, JJ