To belong

I am not even gonna bother with introductions, just wanna dive right in. There's a lot to unpack. Been two months since I've written anything. So yeah let's start.

Life has had a way of bringing temporary people as a solution for all my permanent problems, not all but major one or two let's say. So in each stage of my life I have always had one, I don't know how or where I find these people, these temporary people, that I would give a part of my soul to. More like my entire soul in a way. I am feeling very hesitant to unpack but these thoughts that have been flooding into my head all day, it is a sign, a sign that says "let it all flow out" and I am really trying right now. But what do you do, when God stops sending these temporary people? Or maybe I don't want anyone temporary anymore. Which is quite sad really, and for me it is as sad as it could get. 

I have had or more still have an issue of extreme extreme loneliness, and such codepedency issues too, hey this is my new years resolution for this year. To get over these. And as for last year. I achieved all of them to be quite honest. I am really proud of myself, I really am. If it a blessing maybe that I have been blessed with the company of temporary people, who have been such great help to me, teaching me everything I know. Maybe I taught myself too. I am not really sure, or maybe I just wanna be humble right now. 

I am sure that I am not the only one that feels this way, but it has always I mean always been easy unpacking any sort of emotional package to people online. Rather than the ones in real life, you see and hang out with. I am not really sure why, I have been very doubtful of things, confused in ways, not knowing what I want, I mean I am Aadhil I always know what I want. But not just right now, in this moment, and the things I want in life keep slipping away through my fingers, it's always been that way. The only person I want right now, they feel like a cloud. A beautiful, fluffy, cotton candy, jasmine, I don't know why jasmine but in my head it is, and a heavy heavy cloud.

The beauty about clouds is that, no matter how and what they do, they keep evolving and dissolving no matter the time of the day or night, the wind, the sun, the moon, has nothing on them, just the freest souls, going wherever they want, carrying all that rain, finding places to unpack. All that rain alone. But still so far away, within sight and out of grasp. How do you help these clouds, or help this one cloud? You just let it be, I guess hoping that it would restructure itself, grow back into that full white single cloud that it is. Painful, isn't it? Feeling so helpless and so so powerless over not being able to save one cloud. One cloud, that calms me down. Cools my soul and elevates my spirit. 

I used to long for nights, the lonely let's not use lonely, but my divine solitude of a night, where it would just be myself, my thoughts weren't as scary back then, maybe they were and I could handle it. I guess I am just so fragile now. But never in my entire life, did I think, these nights would terrify me. Waking up, not being able to go back to bed, a wave of existential angst, I know how to separate my suicidal thoughts from reality, so I have never harmed myself, but it is so tempting and sounds so satisfying, but I have seen what it does to people. I don't ever wanna feel that way, seeing what some of my friends do to themselves, and I see it and feel so horrible and helpless, I just wanna beat the living shit out of them for doing it, people go so far to stay in control and to at least feel something, anything really. So every time a thought of harm comes to my mind, I think to myself, this is not my body, I owe it to my Lord, I just exist in it for now, I have to return it the way I got it. Somehow that puts my mind to ease, if you don't wanna do that, think of it as someone you love, I mean clearly not yourself, because we just such a hard time loving ourselves. The progress is always so slow compared to the falls.

I know what I am about to say would sound very very reckless I do not advise that anyone do this. So a Monday in December I got a call, let's say I suffered a huge loss. And this time, I was actually pretty confident, that I could get through it, I mean after I do have my temporary people. Okay I know this sounds hurtful, saying temporary people, I love you guys so much, you mean everything to me, it's unfortunate, that ya'll had to leave, I will always keep praying for you. But now, so I was confident that I could get through this, with the help of my people. But this time, fortune did not favor me, the one that I adored the most had to leave, and I completely understand people leaving I never holding against anyone, but just because I understand someone leaving, doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. Man the pain. The mental gut wrenching pain, that seems so physical, maybe it is.

I slowly started losing sleep again, my fear of the night grew, I was submerged in this excruciating loneliness, I did hang out, I did have people around me, it was so damn loud all the damn time, I wanted it to stop. The noise, the people, time, just wanted to have a minute of peace in silence. That was too much to ask for. At times like this it was always is. So this was new, the first stage of this new grief. No amount of crying filled the void, the pain stayed. So I decided to get over it because I have no choice, I need to. I have an exam in 11 days and here I am writing a blog. Man just last week I would cry for hours and keeping studying, what is uni doing to us?

I am not here to say, I worked some miracle and got over my issues, but, I do have some ways of getting over it, I am trying my best, every day, every single day in and out. I started waking up at 4.30 again after months, it used to be 5. But those 30 minutes change everything, I start my day with prayers, just like every Muslim. But my prayers changed from people to myself, why is that we're willing to go so far for people and never ourselves? I somehow fixed my sleep, one thing is that now I don't have to face the night. More the like the Knight. Yeah that was lame. Two points for the effort though. I started having breakfast, I eat at 8 every morning, and lunch at 1 and dinner at 7 and to bed by midnight. There had been messy days. In between but the remembrance of God, why I exist, has gotten me through them. I never thought I would be able to write a "hopeful" piece again, my thoughts have been very very dark and wild. Fixing my sleep, eating on time, being grateful to exist, solved half of the issue. I stopped finding people, that I wanted to get attached to, because honestly yours truly never misses in getting attached, when you're the most extroverted person ever, it is just as easy as breathing. And this time I put up this temporary fragile wall, so that no one enters until I fully sort my issues out no matter how long it takes. So, I kept crying to God, praying every time I wanted to go to someone, I replaced people with God, the one who would never leave, the one who says, "Indeed I am with you, I hear and see", so my confused little self, started to become less confused and feel less lonely and wanted to depend even less on people. I mean we need people, but more than that we need ourselves to rely on. I guess we owe ourselves, at least that level of basic decency. I am trying and working on myself.

Like I said, just because I wanna be by myself and not depend on people, doesn't mean, that I don't owe myself the love I long for, the warmth, to be embraced, to be held safe, to be told that it is going to be okay, because, it always, gets better, I have seen it through and through, there is no such thing as permanent misery. It does seem like hell, some of us get out early than the rest, but eventually we all do, being and living to see it is our test, I am ignorant when it comes to myself at times, but that doesn't stop me learning about me, the more I get over, the more there is to be conquered, and I keep leveling up and sometimes, I feel so stuck no matter the amount of mental progress I have made. I do owe myself to be with people, also fyi this all platonic, if anyone gets the wrong idea lmao. But now I wanna say something that is not platonic and I will end this piece.

I finally understand the level of the standard of the love I require, anything less than that is a huge no. Because I am tired of wanting to find, so I stop, no more temporary people, no more attachments, the ones that, stay I will cherish the literal flip out of them, the ones who left, I will cherish the moments we've spent. I will continue to love you all as always, man it's just two people right now, yes this is about you. But nothing will stop me from getting the love I deserve, I owe it myself, I am also proud to say that I have not hurt anyone in months, even if I did, I have not, but if I did, we at least to made up. In the end, loving and being loved by temporary people or permanent people. It is nothing less, it is still love, even from afar, up close, even if it lacked consistency or died out, or chose a separate path by choice or fate, it is still love, not one person gave me anything less. But my journey continues, with or without people, I will find a permanent place to belong, until that I will be that cloud within sight and out of grasp.

 

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P.S: this was not the original "to belong" I wrote that and kept it to myself, because it was too heavy and too personal to post. But in the end this is another original piece. Making it clear nothing romantic, coz I sound like a hoe in my head after rereading it. But as ya'll know I don't edit anything out, I just pour it all in and keep it, as raw as possible. I don't know if this is up to standard or anything, but I hope ya'll loved it, leave comments below I guess, not in the form of texts but actual comments. Don't be shy. I pour my heart out that is the least I could expect. Goodnight now. 

Ewa Hauton