Thoughtless quarter
It is currently 02:04 a.m. I just tweeted that I was about to write a short story on an alternate version of me, or maybe this is just my way of accumulating all my existing pieces of regrets and packing them together to build a single most happy bit of utter fiction. I am not really sure about that, though. Sure about how every regret I ever have and ever will continue to have, could be a definitive reason for my lack of happiness, or maybe it is all in my head, right now. At this moment, to write this piece of work, did I really put myself in a position of sadness. I doubt that, on a further note, I do doubt a lot of things. Like my life choices, maybe they weren't my choices to begin with, because to me. I was in control, for the most part, really. In a way it felt powerful, very powerful.
So, let's begin.
Yeah, this shit sucks. I was definitely about to write a short story and a whole other piece is entering my mind, and it about to flow off the tip of my fingers, and it is such dissatisfaction. I think I am having an existential crisis right now. The regrets keep flowing into my mind from the back of my beautiful head. The voices, I need to listen to them, and I am going to have to come up with an apt topic, but yeah the short story is going to be in the next blog post.
Hundreds of dead relationships, it was all fall-outs. What happened to the promises that I made? That I wasn't able to live up to. Or were the promises just life's way of cursing me to hold on to toxicity? Maybe or maybe not. The truth is that, I guess halfway through, I just stopped, not stop trying. I just stopped, because I was not bound by promises? Was that the answer that I gave myself? Or was it something that I entirely told myself? Until in fact it just became the new normal? Or was it that I got tired of trying to be the one that got to hold onto the torch through the end of this cave? Maybe. I found comfort in half drowning, having my heart half dipped in the coldest and darkest of waters that I found myself in. In the end, I guess, we all do let go, choose peace over effort. Choose angst over a bit of uncomfortable communication. Choose our hedonistic individualistic narcissistic selves. Maybe, just maybe, we felt peace, for once in so long, and chose to ride that wave. In the end what is life without a series of broken relationships eh?
Letting myself wander on this white sheet listening to the sound of my fingers tapping on my keyboard loudly, or just loud enough so that is sounds satisfying. But what about the promises that people made? The ones that never wanted to let go of me. One slip up, they were long gone, not to be found. I don't think it hurt to be honest, okay that is plain ol' me trying to convince myself. It did hurt, not a little, but a lot. Maybe because it was real, as real as it could possibly be. I just needed to get this off my chest and off the top of my head. I want to have my thoughts sorted out, too, to feel normal. That is something that I strive towards, I believe I am already there, perhaps. I really don't want to acknowledge that part of me, however.
New beginnings keep popping up, I make sure of that, they really do. My anger keeps getting in the way of enjoying subtlety. Standing on the ashes of all my dreams, only to realize that honor did matter, and somehow I am okay, which is a fine word "okay", am okay with it. In the purest of intentions, I feel; stuck, stuck in traffic, at the petrol bunk, to get a gas cylinder, stuck in my head, stuck staring at my empty wallet hoping that every time I look at it money would pop up out of nowhere, I was kidding, yeah I don't even have a wallet.
I certainly do not entertain thoughts anymore, this whole blog is one entertained thought, and I am all over the place, since most of my readers have ADHD, just a speculation I am sure that none of you would mind it. The need to entertaining thoughts disappeared when reality was way way fucked than the shit that was going on in my head. What else do I have to think about when I am having my meals cut in half, now starving on purpose wasn't a choice anymore, it is out of my control. What else do I have to think about when focusing on the future isn't even going to matter when I can't even get through a day, without having to feel like I need to shoot myself in the back of my head 78 times. It stopped being from "one day at a time" to "I really need to get through today". The sheer helplessness I feel, knowing that people, I love and care about are starving, when I am left here standing hungry not having the capability to even handover a morsel. Who would've thought reality could be so terrifying?
It has been an hour, it is 03.01 a.m. and it stopped raining, I am starting to fall asleep. I do not want to continue this in the morning. So, I will finish it off with one last paragraph.
Knowing defeat, countless countless defeats, make me feel the simplest of wins in life, simply majestic. I do regret the choices that I have made. It will continue to live in the back of my head, always. But I don't think I would change any of it, I feel good, and I love myself, I am hot asf entering my almost dad bod era, or not. I still dwell on the people of the past, I dwell on the choices that I could've made, all the more shows how amazing I am, because that is so human of me. I like how messy, I sound. And it is okay to definitely feel that way, because the best part of me and the worst part of me, will continue to be parts of me, fragile parts stuck together in the most disoriented of ways, I can't remember what disoriented means, it sounded nice, so I added it to the sentence, and I am too sleepy to look it up, still typing. Eyes half closed, meaning they are half opened. That is exactly how life is, when it is half shitty there is always a better part of it too, we're too blind to see it, be it 90:10, it doesn't matter, subtlety goes a long way, simple things go a long way. Not grand gestures, because we're all drowning in the holed ship, wholed up together, hoping the drowning continues for just a minute longer, so that we could survive today. And get to a day, we go back to starving by choice and face life one day at a time.
It is 03.18 a.m I haven't written anything since February, a bit rusty, but yeah it is what it is. It is messy, but it is real, is just an excuse. Good morning now.
Terare
So, let's begin.
Yeah, this shit sucks. I was definitely about to write a short story and a whole other piece is entering my mind, and it about to flow off the tip of my fingers, and it is such dissatisfaction. I think I am having an existential crisis right now. The regrets keep flowing into my mind from the back of my beautiful head. The voices, I need to listen to them, and I am going to have to come up with an apt topic, but yeah the short story is going to be in the next blog post.
Hundreds of dead relationships, it was all fall-outs. What happened to the promises that I made? That I wasn't able to live up to. Or were the promises just life's way of cursing me to hold on to toxicity? Maybe or maybe not. The truth is that, I guess halfway through, I just stopped, not stop trying. I just stopped, because I was not bound by promises? Was that the answer that I gave myself? Or was it something that I entirely told myself? Until in fact it just became the new normal? Or was it that I got tired of trying to be the one that got to hold onto the torch through the end of this cave? Maybe. I found comfort in half drowning, having my heart half dipped in the coldest and darkest of waters that I found myself in. In the end, I guess, we all do let go, choose peace over effort. Choose angst over a bit of uncomfortable communication. Choose our hedonistic individualistic narcissistic selves. Maybe, just maybe, we felt peace, for once in so long, and chose to ride that wave. In the end what is life without a series of broken relationships eh?
Letting myself wander on this white sheet listening to the sound of my fingers tapping on my keyboard loudly, or just loud enough so that is sounds satisfying. But what about the promises that people made? The ones that never wanted to let go of me. One slip up, they were long gone, not to be found. I don't think it hurt to be honest, okay that is plain ol' me trying to convince myself. It did hurt, not a little, but a lot. Maybe because it was real, as real as it could possibly be. I just needed to get this off my chest and off the top of my head. I want to have my thoughts sorted out, too, to feel normal. That is something that I strive towards, I believe I am already there, perhaps. I really don't want to acknowledge that part of me, however.
New beginnings keep popping up, I make sure of that, they really do. My anger keeps getting in the way of enjoying subtlety. Standing on the ashes of all my dreams, only to realize that honor did matter, and somehow I am okay, which is a fine word "okay", am okay with it. In the purest of intentions, I feel; stuck, stuck in traffic, at the petrol bunk, to get a gas cylinder, stuck in my head, stuck staring at my empty wallet hoping that every time I look at it money would pop up out of nowhere, I was kidding, yeah I don't even have a wallet.
I certainly do not entertain thoughts anymore, this whole blog is one entertained thought, and I am all over the place, since most of my readers have ADHD, just a speculation I am sure that none of you would mind it. The need to entertaining thoughts disappeared when reality was way way fucked than the shit that was going on in my head. What else do I have to think about when I am having my meals cut in half, now starving on purpose wasn't a choice anymore, it is out of my control. What else do I have to think about when focusing on the future isn't even going to matter when I can't even get through a day, without having to feel like I need to shoot myself in the back of my head 78 times. It stopped being from "one day at a time" to "I really need to get through today". The sheer helplessness I feel, knowing that people, I love and care about are starving, when I am left here standing hungry not having the capability to even handover a morsel. Who would've thought reality could be so terrifying?
It has been an hour, it is 03.01 a.m. and it stopped raining, I am starting to fall asleep. I do not want to continue this in the morning. So, I will finish it off with one last paragraph.
Knowing defeat, countless countless defeats, make me feel the simplest of wins in life, simply majestic. I do regret the choices that I have made. It will continue to live in the back of my head, always. But I don't think I would change any of it, I feel good, and I love myself, I am hot asf entering my almost dad bod era, or not. I still dwell on the people of the past, I dwell on the choices that I could've made, all the more shows how amazing I am, because that is so human of me. I like how messy, I sound. And it is okay to definitely feel that way, because the best part of me and the worst part of me, will continue to be parts of me, fragile parts stuck together in the most disoriented of ways, I can't remember what disoriented means, it sounded nice, so I added it to the sentence, and I am too sleepy to look it up, still typing. Eyes half closed, meaning they are half opened. That is exactly how life is, when it is half shitty there is always a better part of it too, we're too blind to see it, be it 90:10, it doesn't matter, subtlety goes a long way, simple things go a long way. Not grand gestures, because we're all drowning in the holed ship, wholed up together, hoping the drowning continues for just a minute longer, so that we could survive today. And get to a day, we go back to starving by choice and face life one day at a time.
It is 03.18 a.m I haven't written anything since February, a bit rusty, but yeah it is what it is. It is messy, but it is real, is just an excuse. Good morning now.
Terare
It almost felt like you just took my soul and ripped it out just by your amazing writing. We are too blind to see the better part when the gloomy ones take over yeah? Thoughtless quarter really did have some deep thoughts to say. Loved it.
ReplyDeleteYet another painful but beautiful piece written by you Aadhil! The weight of your words can really move worlds. Keep letting your words flow and keep writing :)
ReplyDelete