Micro joys to jannah
This is going to be very simple and straightforward, a new style of writing even for me. There is an almost arrogance within that has persisted for years, that things will work out for me, no matter what happens, no matter how much I sin and do people wrong, to be a proud monomaniacal narcissist. Things will work out in life for me until they didn't, and as every good run comes to an end, the humbling begins. Being put through endless trials, so much so that sometimes I wished I was dead. Dying felt easier. There was so much happening in my mind at the same time, thoughts barraged, to the point that I would cling onto anything, to be mind-numbed for a single minute felt like relief. I was wearing headphones for a whole 7 months just to push out the thoughts and silence everything.
Perceptiveness will alter your reality, switch the way you see your qadr or fate, and you start to attract so much goodness into parts of life that light was never able to reach. I have always been a hater, it is something I try to outrun too, for the fun of it. Being a hater also means that you tend to put out some sort of negativity every now and then, which is a questionable life choice as a muslim. Allah will humble you if you do not humble yourself before Him and the teachings of the Prophet (ﷺ).
I had to learn to get through each moment and Allah made it possible through His mercy. The outlook shift took me time, it is something that I had within me, but I was always trusting the grand scheme of things and the hidden wisdom behind every failure and shortcoming, being able to have a heart, to keep it soft for the sake of Allah, to never lose that softness and doing my absolute best to not let out even a sigh of frustration. I started to find strength in simple acts.
Before all of it I told myself I will not lie to myself no matter how hard things are. I will walk a path where I can distinguish the truth within me. It is the highest form of order and redirection that I could give myself now, that I owe it to everyone else, that it will help ease the burdens of a stranger and lighten the horrors that I tend to carry within me, that sometimes lead me to victimize myself. The truth will help me respect myself but not so much that I hold on to my ego and lose people that were so worthy of being kept. I have an obligation to fight and push. No one is leaving when they arrive anymore, we die and that is it.
I started to smile more and have more conversations with strangers, offer up seats on the metro, hold the elevator for 20 seconds longer, let people move forward in lines, try to do the best I can in helping anyone in any way I can. A simple gesture, right after fajr it was raining and only one elevator was working in the apartment. I got back fast, noticed three older people whom I have seen at the masjid come in after me, and I held it for them. It was barely a 20 second hold and he told me "you're a good person." It felt so good. When people started thanking me, smiling back at me, telling me to have a good day, I felt it was Allah's mercy, that none of it was possible if He had not opened His arms for me. How do I explain this unexplainable feeling that I am a failure and the only way I could be worth anything is if Allah decides to include me in His mercy. I have done nothing to deserve it nor will I ever do anything to deserve it. I just hope and pray that I am included in His mercy, that is all I ever want, to be accepted.
Now adding these altogether, smiling a sunnah, helping someone a sunnah, easing someone's burden a sunnah, trusting Allah blindly to the point people think you're delusional, basically tawakkulmaxxing. One by one, altering your perception is what Islam teaches, to let go of animosity between friends and family, visit them, speak to them as a means of getting closer to Allah, purify yourself from hatred and enmity because it benefits you and spares your akhira. As for being a hater, I have chosen to keep things to myself, and what is one more thought in my uncountable list. The moment I speak it, I give it life.
All of this points to one thing, and it is best said through one of my favorite hadiths. The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Allah says: 'I am just as My slave thinks I am, (i.e. I am able to do for him what he thinks I can do for him) and I am with him if He remembers Me. If he remembers Me in himself, I too, remember him in Myself; and if he remembers Me in a group of people, I remember him in a group that is better than they; and if he comes one span nearer to Me, I go one cubit nearer to him; and if he comes one cubit nearer to Me, I go a distance of two outstretched arms nearer to him; and if he comes to Me walking, I go to him running.'"
My Allah is the kindest Most Merciful power there is to exist, He is the Most Just. How is your Allah, think about it, how have you pictured the Highest Authority in existence to be. This hadith will always redirect me when I am low on imaan, everything sucks because dunya is supposed to suck, but to be a mu'min you try to find the sweetness in the struggle by expecting negative experiences and taking them positively, because this is nothing compared to the joys of jannah. I just arrived at the title for my blog, micro joys to jannah. Every misstep will place you on the path to righteousness. Even if you falter, keep coming back to Allah, the moment you think of turning towards Him, think about who left, He has always been there, He is always there.
As always, pray your salah on time, read your prayer adhkars and morning and evening adhkars, recite as much Quran as you can, be good to your parents and siblings, they have a right over you and take care of yourself and your heart, they are your amanah. I got back from my night shift, will end all of this here, see you in the next blog.
Now I know that things will still work out for me, not out of arrogance but from the love Allah has for me.
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