Origin
On the brink of exhaustion is the only time I can draw a similarity to standing on the shoulders of giants, pushing things beyond a certain point expands my human condition. Dreams only seem to be dreams, as for reality, what is the point? But despite the excruciating conditions humanity thrives, people suffer and suffering brings meaning. The goal is vast and wide, even if it were to be simple, the complications never lead you to achieve simplicity. Recognizing the capacity of our cognitive abilities, the ability to perceive and convey something so distilled, only to be met with a failure to understand.
I used to question everything, I still do. I question myself, which then leads me to find answers and find peace. The more I wanted positive experiences, life was in a questionable place. The more I took negative experiences positively, resilience and undying strength was built. Layers upon layers, seeing more and more goodness, having grace for people and beyond everything, myself.
It is appalling, it is also endearing. Quiet life becomes. I have found who I am when I am not constantly performing, so I continue to thrive in the absurdities life throws at me. I always remember where I came from, how far I have reached. Calculating life by acts upon acts, because what other choice was placed upon me? Nothing. I grabbed at everything on my way down, loose grips achieve nothing. There was reluctance for motion and a failure to move stagnates growth, the stagnation of growth only leads you to a graveyard of dreams. I did not want that, no one does.
I will not look back in life, not at the end but right now. I refuse to have empty hands, an empty heart with nothing to show for. I will be a means of ease, a means of elevation, graceful, kind and witty enough that my shoulders are that of a giant. Helping anyone achieve clarity, over and over again. There are moments of weakness, you can only be strong when you have understood the depths of true desperation and despair. Having rechannelled what desperation is to me, one way or another I have to face it, the yearn for validation and when it falls short, the strength to accept it. Achievements in isolation mean nothing if you have no one to share them with.
The gates will close and reopen, life will shoot you down. When you are down you will either climb or claw your way up, it happens. There is always an end to meet, meet it with your head held high, shoulders back, be honorable about the losses and humble about the wins. You will always carry horrors within you, you meet people and think oh my life is not so bad at all. The desperation and despair seems like nothing, someone will always have it worse. There is a lesson in everything, but also sometimes just take a back seat and experience things. Even though decisions seem to avalanche, it is advisable to let go, the job, the people, the second text. I do say all this, but I have a knack for seeing how far things can go. I live on the hardest mode, I do not want to regret anything, so I make sure my presence is everywhere. I will see this through a hundred percent so I know that there was nothing else that could have been done, and leave it to fate.
I do not understand the postmodernist idea of leaving at the inconvenience. My depth for grief and clarity allows me to treat people in a far better light. People are so drawn to me and I am drawn to people, even beyond that. Just six hours ago I met an Emirati at work looking for his boarding gate. He was traveling to Cape Town with only a backpack and a copy of Dan Brown's The Secret of Secrets. I ended up speaking to him for more than 20 minutes. He will remember a pleasant conversation about his interests, that is how easy it is. Appealing to people, they just want to be heard. Like I want to be heard through my writings. I have carried enough of the abyss with me, now it has expanded my grace. It is intentional. I am intentional.
This was the last run, I am getting off work now, see you soon.
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